What Am I Doing?

A question I ask myself constantly, both aloud and in my head. What am I doing? At first, it may not seem like a hard question but it turns out to be complex and somewhat condescending. Think about it. If the answer was that simple, then what is the point of asking the question in the first place. I find that I ask this question to myself often while I am alone. And the answer is never simple. And oftentimes I don’t even answer the question. This question helps me take a step back and see what I am actually doing. It makes me wonder if someone saw me, would they be proud or embarrassed of me. Then, I evaluate if what I’m doing is worth the time and effort. When alone, no one can tell you if you’re doing good or bad. So sometimes, you must ask yourself if you’re making progress or wasting your time? 

It can be difficult figuring out when something is worth your time. And usually you don’t figure out something isn’t worth it until you have already wasted valuable time, effort, and even money on it. We all have clothes hanging in our closet that haven’t been worn outside. We’ve all spent hours on hours making stupid decisions and procrastinating instead of being productive. I recently checked my screen time on my phone and found staggering numbers. I spent over 10 hours on Instagram this week alone. I was heartbroken the moment I figured this out. Up until the age of 17, I had no social media at all. I chose to focus on the present and not worry about having a presence online. Over a year later, I spend several hours a week just scrolling through my feed. 

It’s not only the moments where we waste time when we ask ourselves what we are doing, but also when we are working hard. At my first job, I was one of the hardest workers. I was praised by my coworkers and boss. It was only a matter of time until I got a raise and maybe even a promotion. I was proud of myself and pushed myself to keep at it. Where did I work? A fast-food restaurant. The job wasn’t that hard and it’s only a matter of time until I’d get replaced, but I worked my butt off. And it was when I was working my hardest when I found myself wondering what the hell am I doing? There’s no way my life’s purpose is to hand out sandwiches, make fries, and run around as if my life depended on giving our customers enough sauce for their nuggets. A little while after asking myself this question, I put in my two weeks and soon became unemployed. Although getting paid was nice, and I sure miss it, I decided why not figure out what I’m doing. 

I’m tired of doing nothing. Yeah, it might be impossible to be doing literally nothing, but if you don’t know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, it’ll amount to nothing. So why not male a website? Why not start a blog? Why stop myself from writing what I truly believe? There are countless questions to ask myself, but it all started with one that I have still left unanswered. 

What am I doing? Writing.

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