I always felt like the most difficult thing in life would be achieving a certain goal. For example, reaching a certain milestone, gaining a specific title, or even something more quantifiable or physical like buying a house or becoming a millionaire. All of which I have not done or even plan on achieving, for the time being. But growing into adulthood and realizing the responsibilities I have, or will have, and maturing, I’ve stumbled upon something that has absolutely broken me apart. And unlike the achievements I listed earlier, this is something I am currently working on and expect to be perfecting over my entire lifetime. It’s learning to forgive.
I’ll get real with you. I’m struggling to forgive someone, who I believe is extremely close to me in more ways than one. It has led to me questioning our friendship, their relationship with others, and the future of knowing their existence and what they’ve done. I believe I’m able to forgive them physically, although I haven’t been remotely close to them or talked to them in a while. I did struggle at forgiving them physically, if that even makes sense, because my body was rejecting thinking about them by wanting to vomit and feel stone cold. Fortunately, I am able to control my body just fine as of right now. But when it comes to mentally, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually, I’m honestly struggling a whole lot. At some point, I felt so lost that I asked my parents for help because I had no idea how to deal with it. I didn’t even know what to say to ask for help. But to the best of my memory, I said abruptly,” Alright, I have a real question. How do you forgive someone?” And then they started to give me some answers. But I feel like they knew it was serious when I added,”But like spiritually though.” And they really did help me a lot. Even though I don’t fully remember their responses, if any of their advice at all, I was able to be vulnerable and let out my feelings to someone rather than keeping it all in and probably going insane. Side note, I do think that crying is healthy to an extent. So it’s ok to cry in case you need to hear that.
In the past, I’ve joked around about having no friends or people to talk to. And currently, I find it to not only be a joke, but to be growing into a truth. I’m starting to question a lot of my friends, shutting people out, and having trust issues. To worsen things, I also was losing interest in a lot of subjects that were taking up my time, so getting my mind off things or clearing my mind has also been difficult on top of the matter of forgiving this friend of mine. So if you’re also dealing with trust issues with a friend, a significant other, or even just a random person in your life you may never see again, I want you to remember you’re not alone. Forgiveness is a journey.
Words straight from one of the greatest human beings to ever walk the Earth, my Mama, “Don’t worry about them.” We need to leave it to God. I know it’s hard. I can’t stop thinking about this person and the wrong they’ve done. Yet, I know for a fact that God forgave him. I know for a fact that God loves him. I know for a fact that God is working in his life. And if God can forgive him, and you, and I, for all the wrong doings we’ve ever committed, so should I. Praying for you. God bless!
“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25 (NIV)